how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
