you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
