Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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