honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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