This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
false alarm. still invincible.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Randomize
