I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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