party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
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