Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
