Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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