and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
