The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
