I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
