I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
