That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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