he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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