guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
