I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
