just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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