highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Randomize
