i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
