I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Randomize
