Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
