Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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