captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
