is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
