Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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