Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
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