I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
just found out that she named her cat after me.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
