I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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