Already got asked if we're dating
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I wear drunk well.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize