Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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