My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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