Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
