I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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