when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
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