we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
