We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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