my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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