if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
