i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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