I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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