I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
