took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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