dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
