you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize