I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
