Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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