Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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