Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
