You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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