I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
