My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
