I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
