Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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