And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
