I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
