The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize