I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
