she woke up with a sticky ear
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
