just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
